Saat kau pejamkan matamu

"abang, ayu ada salah. tapi..."

"ah, apa tapi-tapi?! awak tu memang ada aja alasan nak bagi." tempik diriku suatu ketika dulu. tidak pernah aku berinya kesempatan untuk menjelaskan sesuatu. tidak pernah ku layan dirinya sebaik-baiknya. aku jadikannya bahan ku lepaskan amarahku. tempat aku baling dan buang segalanya. walaupun tidak pernah ku sentuh dirinya, tapi kata-kataku sudah cukup mengguriskan hatinya. tetapi wanita itu tidak pernah sedikit pun membalas perlakuanku. ada aja cara nya untuk menambat hatiku. dia lah wanita sebaik-baik manusia. yang cukup faham dan sabar dengan ego dan baranku.

kini wanita ini lemah terbaring, berlumuran darah di hadapanku. perasaan bersalah menyelubungi diri. dosa ku pada dirinya begitu besar. sebelum ini, tidak pernah ku hargai dirinya. tidak pernah ku meluahkan kasih sayangku padanya. meskipun dia tahu, dan aku tahu. namun, aku sepatutnya melakukan lebih dari itu. aku tidak pernah peduli untuk menambat hatinya. aku tahu dia tidak akan kemana. aku cukup kenal dengan diri nya. aku tahu dia akan setia. biar apa pun yang aku lakukan, diri nya masih lagi setia dan menyayangi ku sepenuh hatinya.

aku cintakan dirinya. seperti mana dia cintai diriku. namun tidak pernah ku ucap walau aku tahu dia begitu mengharapkan ucapan itu. bagiku, cukuplah sekadar dia tahu aku cintakan dirinya. madah itu tidak perlu diucap. itulah ego aku. ego lelaki. untuk meminta maaf jauh sekali aku lakukan. biarpun segala pergaduhan berpunca dariku, akan ku pantulkan kepadanya. tidak pernah aku mengaku kalah. apa aku peduli perasaan nya ketika itu. semuanya aku. entah apa lagi yang aku telah aku lakukan. aku mengucap. terasa bergenang air mataku. perlahan dia menggegam tanganku. satu senyuman diukirkan. aku sedih kerana masih banyak lagi perkara ingin aku sampaikan kepadanya. ingin aku ulang semula masa-masa lalu. ingin aku hargai dirinya. ingin aku ubah sikapku. ingin aku menjadi seorang suami yang membahagiakannya.

"perlu ke ucap hari-hari?"

"perlulah. macam mana kalau esok-esok ayu dah tak bangun lagi. kan nyesal tak ucap."

"jadi ayu kena la bangun esok esok dan seterusnya sampai abang ucap."

"susah sgt ke nak ucap 'I LOVE YOU'? ishk, dia ni. degil tau. tak apalah. janji ayu hari-hari ucap. 'I LOVE YOU' sayang. if someday ayu mati, sekurang-kurang nya abang tahu yang ayu hari-hari sayang abang."

air mata aku semakin laju. entah kenapa memori datang silih berganti. perasaan bersalah menyelubungi diriku.

"maafkan abang ayu. maafkan abang. abang sayang ayu. tolong jangan pergi. please, keep hold it on. you are strong." aku genggam tangannya. keadaannya kritikal. aku sendiri tidak menyangka kemalangan ini akan terjadi. aku jadi tak keruan. aku lihat pergerakan dadanya semakin berombak. "ayu please dont leave me." aku merayu. tidak pernah aku merayu sebegini. tiba nya di hadapan emergency room. aku terpaksa melepaskannya pergi sendiri. sempat aku ucapkan madah yang ayu nantikan selama ini dariku. "Ayu, I love you. please wake up." dan perlahan genggaman kami terlerai. aku terduduk di situ. menangis teresak-esak.

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aku tatapi gambarnya. pelbagai memori bermain di pikiranku. setiap memori lama sukda duka sering sahaja bermain-main di kotak fikiranku. aku sentuh gambarnya. rindu menusuk kalbu. aku tersenyum mengingati dirinya. perlahan lahan aku lafazkan

"I love you so much, ayu."

"I love you too." terdengar madahku dibalas. aku menoleh. perlahan lahan dia mendekatiku. "Rindu ke?" sindir nya. Aku tersenyum lalu memeluknya erat. Aku bersyukur kerana masih lagi berpeluang bersamanya. masih lagi berpeluang menunjukkan betapa besar cintaku pada dirinya. masih lagi berpeluang menebus kesilapanku. aku tahu ini sesuatu peluang yang amat sukar didapati. kami berdua melabuhkan diri di atas tilam empuk. dia membetulkan kedudukannya. aku masih lagi memeluknya erat.

"Tidur jom?" ajaknya sambil tersenyum.

"Tidurlah dulu. Abang nak tengok ayu tidur."

"Ada-ada aja." Dia tergelak kecil.

"I love you." satu kucupan aku hadiahkan. dia kelihatan tersipu-sipu.

"Love you too." dia memeluk tanganku dan memejamkan matanya. aku ingin menghargai dirinya. aku tidak ingin menyesal andai kata aku kehilangan dirinya satu masa nanti. aku ingin dia tahu aku cinta akan dirinya setiap hari dan saat. aku ingin dia rasa cintaku setiap masa. dan cinta itu harus ditunjuk dan diucap.

aku ingin kau tahu aku cintakan dirimu di saat kau pejamkan matamu...

introduction 2

bcoz my gege already intro himself so i guess its my turn so sit back n read~

im a gal. hoho. same age wif my gege(brother). actually we r besties since we r still a lil kid. bcoz he is my mom's godson thats why i call him gege(brother) since he born on january 1989. n im on sept 1989. that's make me a few months younger. lol. i love photography n literature stuff. anything that can express my feeling. i like~

the name neerey is a combination between my name n my handsome boyfriend name. so i came up with neerey. neesa+sarey = neerey. LOL.

im a super playful and quite bothersome. seriously. i can be really annoying.

i love writing stories. but mostly about death. idk why. but i love sad story. im not a good writer. but do plz comment my stories so i can improvise them k??

tq very much for dropping by. lots of love~

wink*~!

INTRODUCTION

AHA!
It seems that the writers have not properly introduced themselves *ehem*.
Anyway, i'll leave my lil sis to her own intro. (don want to spoil it) ^.^

Anyway, i'm a guy (yes, a guy). i'll be celebrating my graduation from teenage lifehood early next year. Bubbye teens. *sniff*
Currently taking mechanical engineering and my current ambition is to be a part-time secondary school teacher!
YES, a teacher. ^.^

Anyway, writing was my hobby when i was 15 to 16. Then I dunno wat happen, it seems that I totally screwed up somewhere, I left writing alone. *Truth to tell, it was STPM, so.... I didn really get the chance to write much*

My other interests would be books *again, YES! BOOKS*, music, karate, sports, strategy games and religion.

Hm...I guess thats all...
btw, u can contact me at YM
shinda_yukishiro@yahoo.com
and, no, thas not my real name. XD

ENJOY THE BLOG

Part 1

di luar hujan turun lebat. seolah2 memahami luka di hatiku. air mata yang sejak tadi mengalir deras, tidak ku hiraukan. cukup besar dugaan yang aku terima. aku terduduk di atas sofa. Ya ALLAH, cukup besar ujian-MU kepada hamba-MU yang lemah ini. Kakak perlahan-lahan menghampiriku. Aku memeluknya erat. Teresak-esak aku di pelukannya. Ingin saja aku meraung-raung. Kakak cuba memujuk ku. aku melihat safura yang dari tadi asyik bermain bersama saudaranya. hatiku bertambah sebak. air mataku terus gugur membasahi pipi.

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aku lihat wajahnya pucat. tiada lagi darah mengalir di dalam badan itu. tiada lagi gelak tawa dan sindiran yang akan ku dengar selepas ini. tiada lagi suami tercinta yang setia melayani kerenahku. air mataku mengalir lagi tatkala melihatnya dalam keadaan sebegitu. ingin sahaja aku menerpa dan mengoyakkan kain putih yang menutupi seluruh badannya. ingin sahaja aku menyimpan tubuh itu selamanya. aku mengucap. Masya'Allah, apa yang aku fikirkan ini? tidak beragamakah aku? aku cium wajahnya. sejuk. kucupan terakhir untuknya. Safura juga turut mencium babanya. aku tatapi wajah insan yang ku cintai untuk kali terakhir. wajahnya akan bersemadi di dalam hatiku selamanya. kemalangan itu telah meragut nyawanya dan mengubah kehidupanku selamanya.

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Dalam tidak sedar sudah sembilan hari aku kehilangan arwah. Terasa kosong hidup ini, namun aku kuatkan juga diri ini demi anak kecilku yang tidak mengerti apa-apa. Setiap malam Safura akan bertanya padaku bilakah baba nya akan bangun dari tidur? dan aku hanya mampu membisu. Setiap malam juga Safura akan menjenguk ruang kamarku. Barangkali dia juga merindui arwah seperti aku.

"Kamu ni lemah semacam je hari akhir-akhir ini. Kamu pasti kamu tidak ingin ke klinik?Macam sakit je mak tengok kamu ni." tegur ibuku yang telah menemani aku dan Safura semenjak pemergian arwah.

"Saya ok je mak. Tak ada apa-apa. Mungkin terkejut. Jadi sistem badan pun jadi tak teratur." Aku mengukir kan senyuman. Akhir-akhir ini aku sering loya-loya. Tapi itu sudah menjadi kebiasaanku. Aku sememangnya mempunyai masalah sistem permakanan. Setiap kali aku tertekan pasti aku akan mengalaminya.

"Mak bukan apa. risau je. Kot-kot ada benda lain nanti. Baik kamu pergi periksa. Biar mak bawa kamu ke klinik."Mak masih cuba memujukku. Kasihnya ibu kepada diriku.

"Tak perlu lah mak. Saya ok." Aku bingkas bangun. Terasa darah menyerbu ke muka. Pandanganku mula kabur. Kelam.

...............................................................................................

"Hani...bangun Hani." Terdengar satu suara yang cukup kenal memanggilku. Aku menoleh. Mataku menangkap sebentuk tubuh. "Hani, rindukan abang ye?" Dia tersengih.

"Abang, Hani rindukan abang sangat. Safura pun sama abang. Abang jangan tinggalkan kami abang." Aku merayu-rayu. Dari jauh dia hanya tersenyum. Bayangannya semakin lama semakin pudar. Aku berlari cuba mendapatkan tubuhnya. Ingin ku dakap dan cium melepaskan rinduku. Namun bayangannya hilang. Aku lantas membuka mata. Aku beristighfar. Terasa tangan kecil memegang erat tanganku. Aku menoleh. Safura berada di sisiku. Wajahnya ketakutan dan matanya sedikit berkaca. Aku usap pipinya lembut. Ibuku duduk di kerusi di sebelah katilku. Aku memandang sekeliling.

"Hani di mana ni mak?" tanyaku kehairanan. setahu aku aku di rumah. di ruang dapur bersama mak.

"hospital." jawab mak ringkas. Masya'Allah. pitam kah aku tadi? "Hani pengsan lepas bangun dari kerusi. Mak terus bawak pergi hospital."Sambungnya lagi. Aku hanya mampu mengukirkan senyuman. Aku tatap wajah Safura. Anak gadis ku.

"Safura menangis ye tadi?"Aku membelai rambutnya. Kasihan pada dirinya. Terasa bersalah kepada dua insan yang menyayangiku ini.

"Erm. Safura takut."

"Takut?"

"A'ah. Safura takut ibu tidur macam baba. Safura tak nak ibu tidur macam baba." Terangnya. Aku sekali lagi hanya mampu tersenyum. Sebak aku mendengar penerangannya. Mahu sahaja aku menangis lagi. Namun aku tahankan air mata ini. Jangan ditumpahkan di hadapan anak kecil ini. Safura memandangku. Wajahnya yang dari tadi sugul kini kelihatan sedikit bersinar. "Ibu, tadi doktor cakap... Safura nak dapat adik."

Aku terkesima. Terasa jantungku terhenti seketika. Aku memandang ibuku. meminta kepastian. Apakah mainan dan gurauan yang Safura katakan. Safura nak dapat adik?

"Doktor kata Hani pregnant. dah sebulan. Hani kena makan dan rehat banyak-banyak. Tekanan darah Hani rendah. Jaga kesihatan Hani dan baby." ujar mak perlahan.

Air mata aku tidak dapat lagi ku tahan. Antara suka dan duka. Wajah arwah datang menerpa. Aku tidak tahu sama ada aku gembira atau sedih. Gembira kerana dikurniakan zuriat lagi. Sedih kerana arwah tidak sempat merasai kegembiraan ini. Arwah tidak sempat mendengar berita ini. Jikalau arwah ada, pastinya dia gembira. Pasti dia sibuk memikirkan nama anak. Kini dengan siapa ingin aku berkongsi semua nya? dengan siapa? Berlinangan air mataku turun.

"Ibu? ibu tak happy ke? nanti Safura dapat adik. Ibu tak happy ke dapat baby?" Safura bertanya penuh tanda ragu.

"Ibu happy sayang. Ibu happy." Safura memeluk aku. Aku kucup pipi nya. Air mata ku masih tidak berhenti. Ya Allah yang Maha Berkuasa, sesungguhnya KAU tabahkan lah hati ku. kuatkanlah Iman ku. KAU lindungilah aku dan anak-anak ku dalam mengharungi ujianmu.

"Sabar ye Hani."Terdengar suara ibu memujukku.

"Abang, Hani rindukan abang..." bisik hati ku.

***********************************to be continued
bagaimanakah Hani yang baru sahaja kehilangan suami menghadapi semua dugaan ini? dengan berita tentang anak di dalam kandungannya?? jeng jeng jeng ... actually da lost idea. rasa2 nya nk continue mcm mane yek?? wuhuuu...n lg satu. xde idea nk bg tajuk ape. bg Hani n safura xciden?? x besh lak. haha. idk idk.

by;neerey

oh people...

oh people,
thou art in strife,
in war, prejudice, bloodshed,
avarice and pride has plagued thee,
art thou still slumbering upon this mortal land?

oh people,
wouldst thou awaken,
wouldst thou be illumined,
why busy thyself with the things of a fleeting world,
why has thou shut the light of thy soul and blunted it with dust?

oh people,
know the truth of thy lives,
what it behoveth thee to be,
shine with the light of peace,
adorn thyself with justice,
and seek the truth of thy lives,
why art thou still heedless and stubborn?

The Sigh

It was empty. A loneliness in itself. The echoes of every syllable of sound, sends an eerie shiver to every nook and corner. The layers of dust have started to torment the once polished tables of oak. The lustre of the marble tiled floors, lost to the stain of dirt and grime. The chandelier, illuminating in its light, now just an ornament to its once vibrant history. Giving light to many folk and people.

But now, an emptiness. He heaved a sigh. On his favourite chair, he closes the book that captivated his mind hours ago. He heaps it on his coffee table, already cluttered with other books. Takes a sip from his already cold coffee, bitter, but sweet in itself.

Another sigh. He looks out the window. The once lively and cared for garden, now at the mercy of weeds and pests. Beyond the wall, bustling with activity. The onrushing wave of people. About their business. Children, on the way to school. They skip in their joy. Vibrant yet painful. A glimpse of the poor and needy, the society’s neglect.

He smiles. A lonely smile. Like them too, he was neglected. By the fate of life itself, thrown into the life of hardship. A life where misery was aloft, always ready to strike. As a child he could not understand. His family, dead, victims of a plague that he was immune, so said the doctors. He watched, his family, fall one by one to the illness. A death overtaken by another. A sadness now ingrained within him.

Then he was left, alone. With nothing. It was then, he strived, to conquer the challenges. With the words from his mother’s deathbed “Be strong and live, my son”.

He sighed. He survived. He overcame the forces that could have crushed him when the last breath of his family was extinguished. With endurance, he strove to be the best, not just among the best. Awarded excellence in university, secured a career, then a business.

He opened his diary. Read its contents, to the last few pages. The last page, dated 44 years ago. When he was 3rd year into his university life. He was then, still struggling. Juggling studies and work. For his future. There he met. A maiden of sorts. A feeling which he could not describe when his eyes beset her. An emotion, that was almost lost forever. They grew close, they cared, the affections between them the envy of everry couple.

Yet, it was not to be. He was shunned, by her parents. For he was poor. A future not confirmed. A sapling, its roots not yet deep within the earth. The girl was taken away, harshly, never to be seen again.

Now he was here. He has proven himself to the world itself. Perserverd through the challenges that made him human. But, he could not find within himself. Not an inch within his heart did he ever could, or ever would, love the way he did. A memory held him back. The memory of a girl, which brought him near to tears just with a thought. Nothing satiated this sadness. He beared with it. Until now.

The last sigh. Was it death calling? Or was it just another wail of his aching limbs? He slumped once more in his chair. Closed the diary and held it close to his heart. Now, with eye-lids closing, he smiled. A hearty smile. He was at peace.


~~~YES, I had writers block! ^^ I'm still rusty, havent written for a long time, so bear with it ok ^^~~~
lamun:hopes to write better stories

Secret that i keep.

I sat there. We just went to a reunion party. I looked at him. We had not talk to each other for a week already. I stared at his eyes. nothing. no reaction. his wall was so high and strong that even I, the person who loves him the most couldn't destroy or take a look whats behind it. he looked at me. eye contact. he smiled. he kissed me softly. easily i forgot everything for a minute. but then he back to himself again. still silent. mute. i was about to cry.

he did joke around with others back at the party. he talked with others so happily. why can't he just speak normally with me? why can't i bring him happiness? what have i done? i only make him miserable. sad. im so stupid. how could i...how could i make him happy. i was trying to hold the tears. he hate it when i cried. he hate me. he will. sooner or later he will get bored with me. the pathetic me. i just want to make him happy. to be his friend, love, wife and everything. i just want to be the whole. i want him to smile when he's with me. i want to console him when he's down or losing hope. i want to push him and be his strength when he is weakening. i want to help him to get through every problem he had. silent. ignoring me. that's what he do. its hurt. so much its really hurt me. i just want him to be happy. i am stupid. this is my sin. GOD is punishing me. because im too greedy. i want him all to be mine. all of him for myself. that's why i get punished. that's why this is happening.

"lets go home." he stand up. he walked with me. but im three step back. our hands hold on to each other. he turned around to looked at me and smile. i smile back. "Are you okay?" I nodded slowly. I smiled cheerfully. Fake. What a fake. but it didn't matter. he wont notice it right. he walked and we were in silence again.

"hey, do you remember when i said i will never keep a secret from you. i'm sorry. i lied. i did kept a secret from you. " i looked at him. "The secret that i keep is my feelings. I dont want you to get mad or sad. i hate to see you sad. i hate it when i dont know whats on your mind. whats happening. and everything. but i never told you that. its really okay. its a secret that i keep. im sorry." drop by drop, tears slowly running down my cheeks. he wont notice. my lips were sealed. only my heart did the talking. im monologue. he was three steps in front. we were holding hands. but he didnt notice me. i look at him. but all i could see was only his back.

slowly i wiped my tears. inhale. i need to be strong. i will be. i took three steps forward. even though sometimes i will fall down and cry because of its hurt. but being with him is what i dream for. being with him is where i belong. so if i cried. let me take three steps back but dont let go off the hand. im afraid of losing you. i want to be with you forever. don't go. please stay with me. i can't love without you. i squeeze his hand and said "I love you."

He looked at me. I know what will come out from your mouth. i dont know whether you mean it or not. but i want to believe in it. when you said those words, all of these sorrow will be erase. my life will be fresh again. you smiled and said "I love you too". That's all you have to do.

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a story bout a couple of husband n wife. the husband had a problem but he will kept it as a secret. but the woman loves him so much that he never tell him that he dislike his attitude. he was everything for her. idk y. hoho. love is complicated huh. sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes.

xoxo;niesa