When You Forget Yourself -Part 2-

A new vision. The distinct features. I recognise it. It was the past. I remembered. The time when I was once myself. A time of great joy, promise, enthusiasm, innovation, self-motivation. It was the time of school, I was 16. Moving about classes, cheering among friends, laughing our hearts out over petty things, pulling dumb pranks, gossiping about the girl next door. The memories flooded me. It brought me to a time when I felt it. I felt emotion. Not the lifelessness before my death.

The scenes shifted quickly. I remembered the brief moments of the scene. The particular emotion I felt during that time. The time my parents cheered me during a soccer tournament, the time when I fractured my right arm. Then it came. An explosion. The time which I would most cherish. The first time I saw her. I knew it was her. It was total insanity on my part. An impossible hope filled me. An impossibility that many would never have dreamed. We were incompatible, many said that way. Tall, slender, strict in nature, but above all that, I saw that she was the one. Call it fate, call it coincidence, but she was the one.

Time passed. I chased, she answered. I loved and was loved in return. An impossible reality. Nevertheless, I remembered. It was not easy. It was also a time of turmoil and change. A time when I was no longer sure of myself. A time when you always hoped for something that was seemingly unattainable. But yet, I was still me. I was filled with humour, joy, piety and devotion.

Time passed again. More quickly. I graduated, worked, started a business, then married that very girl. My whole life seemed complete. I had 4 children. 2 girls and 2 boys. Lovely children they were. My life was seemingly perfect.

Then, it started. My company was starting to climb. For me, it reached the very summit of victory and success. I bacame engrossed. Engrossed with my career. My work. I was rarely home. I rarely met my family. I was always busy. There was always something else to do. Family became a second, third, fourth, then it totally escaped the priority list. One day, feeling the extreme pressure from work, I decided to head home early.

Home. My home was empty. My steps echoed in the house. Everything seemed fine. But, it was empty. Lonely. I saw a letter. I opened it. From my wife.
"You have lost yourself in things that have carried you away from your life. You have forgotten the very things that are actually important to you. You have lost the very you. When you can recognise the person staring at you from the mirror again, you will know where to find me".

I was awestruck. It seemed without logic. Why would she do such a thing. Then, I thought she would come back on her own. I continued with work. Lived as I have lived. Then, it seems that I have forgotten about her. Forgotten. It went on. The loneliness enshrouded me. I needed something. A feeling that I have not felt for a long time. Happiness. I turned to drugs. I knew the cost. I knew what it could do to me. I thought I could control it. But I couldn't. I fell. To drugs.

The vision blurred. My very being seemed to have extinguished. I felt emptiness. A feeling that no pen can write nor word describe. I seemed lost. Then I thought, "When was the last time I have been myself?" Then the realisation came.
"I have forgotten myself."

The realisation hit me like a nuclear bomb. My whole being ached to the core. I felt myself wavering. Was this really the end? Was this my retribution for the things I have done in this earthly life? My vision faded. Then, I felt, nothing.


-Lamun-