When You Forget Yourself

I looked at my hands. The pale palms gazing back at me. The rough and cracked surfaces reminding me of what I am now. I glanced up at the starlit sky. Felt the chill of the sea breeze. The rhythemic waves of the sea refreshed me. I walked, walked across the beach. The damp grains of sand embedded between my toes. I walked to the dryer patches of sand. Plunged my hand into the sand, taking a handful of it. I let the grains slip between my fingers. I saw the grains fall, falling back to where it belong. No matter where you take the sand, it will return to the earth, a reality that cannot be shaken. Another chill. I clung to what was left of my body. I felt a pain. My body was longing for it again. Longing for that sensation. A sensastion that would come and pass. I needed to fight it. Fight it...

Tears well my eyes. What have I become? What have I done to myself? I went to the sea, looked at the water. Tears falling. Salt with salt. I watched, watched the reflection. My whole being was filled wth horror. I took a step back, another, another, I ran. Ran, then i fell. I turned my body, looked at the sky. I could not stop my body from shivering. It wasn't the cold. Wasn't the pain of falling. It was the pain of th heart. The pain of remorse and regret. I could not recognise the shape in the water. I remembered. Remembered a proverb, 'When you can no longer recognise the person looking back at you in the mirror, it is time for you to step back and think when was the last time you have been yourself'.

I remembered. Was this my life? Was this the way that I was meant to be? I sat up. Looked at the sea. When was the last time I have been myself? A pang of pain. Distant, it came again, harder. My head was on fire. I wanted to scream, but my lungs could no longer hold the breath. A small croak was all that escaped. The world was spinning. My limbs no longer supporting me. I fell again to the sand. I felt the need. I felt the lust, the passion, the addiction. I need to fight it. Fight it! I no longer wanted it. Tears well my eyes once more. Is this the end? I could no longer feel my limbs. My body seems to have stopped shivering. I felt light. I felt my consciousness beinged tugged. Is this death? Oh God, forgive this wretched creation of thine. Oh God, assist him. All seemed white. It seemed to have ended.

I awoke. I looked around. Everything was a blur. A blur, unfocused. I tried to shake my head. I saw my vision change But i could not feel my head. I tried to lift my hands. Was it hands? I could not see myself. I tried to walk. I moved, yes I moved. But, I felt nothing. Nothing! Was this death? Was this the world that death promised? It is a very painful promise. My vision seemed to clear. It cleared! Making out the the vision that slowly materialising, I noticed, to my horror. A horror that I could never have wanted to see again. A horror that I have turned away for the last year and a half. I saw myself. Myself! My whole self! What I was a mere 2 years ago. So full of life. So full of promise. I was distressed. Then the vision faded, fade, shifted and materialised again. I saw something else.


-to be contined. hopefully in the near future ^^ 'Lamun'-