Secret that i keep.

I sat there. We just went to a reunion party. I looked at him. We had not talk to each other for a week already. I stared at his eyes. nothing. no reaction. his wall was so high and strong that even I, the person who loves him the most couldn't destroy or take a look whats behind it. he looked at me. eye contact. he smiled. he kissed me softly. easily i forgot everything for a minute. but then he back to himself again. still silent. mute. i was about to cry.

he did joke around with others back at the party. he talked with others so happily. why can't he just speak normally with me? why can't i bring him happiness? what have i done? i only make him miserable. sad. im so stupid. how could i...how could i make him happy. i was trying to hold the tears. he hate it when i cried. he hate me. he will. sooner or later he will get bored with me. the pathetic me. i just want to make him happy. to be his friend, love, wife and everything. i just want to be the whole. i want him to smile when he's with me. i want to console him when he's down or losing hope. i want to push him and be his strength when he is weakening. i want to help him to get through every problem he had. silent. ignoring me. that's what he do. its hurt. so much its really hurt me. i just want him to be happy. i am stupid. this is my sin. GOD is punishing me. because im too greedy. i want him all to be mine. all of him for myself. that's why i get punished. that's why this is happening.

"lets go home." he stand up. he walked with me. but im three step back. our hands hold on to each other. he turned around to looked at me and smile. i smile back. "Are you okay?" I nodded slowly. I smiled cheerfully. Fake. What a fake. but it didn't matter. he wont notice it right. he walked and we were in silence again.

"hey, do you remember when i said i will never keep a secret from you. i'm sorry. i lied. i did kept a secret from you. " i looked at him. "The secret that i keep is my feelings. I dont want you to get mad or sad. i hate to see you sad. i hate it when i dont know whats on your mind. whats happening. and everything. but i never told you that. its really okay. its a secret that i keep. im sorry." drop by drop, tears slowly running down my cheeks. he wont notice. my lips were sealed. only my heart did the talking. im monologue. he was three steps in front. we were holding hands. but he didnt notice me. i look at him. but all i could see was only his back.

slowly i wiped my tears. inhale. i need to be strong. i will be. i took three steps forward. even though sometimes i will fall down and cry because of its hurt. but being with him is what i dream for. being with him is where i belong. so if i cried. let me take three steps back but dont let go off the hand. im afraid of losing you. i want to be with you forever. don't go. please stay with me. i can't love without you. i squeeze his hand and said "I love you."

He looked at me. I know what will come out from your mouth. i dont know whether you mean it or not. but i want to believe in it. when you said those words, all of these sorrow will be erase. my life will be fresh again. you smiled and said "I love you too". That's all you have to do.

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a story bout a couple of husband n wife. the husband had a problem but he will kept it as a secret. but the woman loves him so much that he never tell him that he dislike his attitude. he was everything for her. idk y. hoho. love is complicated huh. sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes.

xoxo;niesa