When You Forget Yourself -Part3-

I felt cold. Alone, lonely. What could this dark place be? I tried to move. I felt nothing. I was lost. Was death this dark? This empty? I closed my eyes.

.....................................

"You're awake."

I was surprised. I felt myself jerk. I took a breath. I could breathe! Everything was in a blur. But the blur started to gain coherence. Somebody was beside me. I felt a bed beneath me. Where am I? Siti! How could it be? She is beside me. The only face that could have bring solace to my troubled heart. But why was she here? I sat up and stared at her, bad choice, my head spinned. I felt exhausted. Siti put my head slowly back on the pillow. She took my hand in hers. She gave it a squeeze. I shed a tear.

"Abang, rehat dulu ye. Don't push yourself."

How could I have forgotten her voice? The very same melody and intonation that captured my heart a long time ago. I weakly smiled and closed my eyes.

I awoke the next day. Details were more solid now and my vision grew. A room. Dimly lit and finely furnished. A creak from the door. I saw Siti entering. She was wearing a mild red 'baju kurung' with a flowery theme. Strangely, she still looked as resplendant as the last time I saw her. But, I thought to myself. When was the last time I really noticed her?

She came and put a tray with a cup of milo and some porridge on the bed desk. Sat on the bed beside me and stroked my unkept hair. I shiverred. I was afraid.

"Bang, makan sikit bang."

I was speechless. I could not say a word. All I could do was open my mouth and swallow the porridge that she would tenderly 'suap' put into my mouth with a spoon. I felt like a child. Then she put the cup of milo to my lips and I sipped the liquid. Letting the warmth seep through me while I composed myself to say something. I was at a loss at words! I could only lie there and stare at her clear dark hazel eyes that seem to penetrate my very being.

"Bang, bang akhirnya jumpa Siti." She shed a tear and her body seemed to tremble.

I closed my eyes. Remembering the contents of her farewell letter. I once told her, I whenever I felt lost and alone. I would always go the beach. I would gaze at the sea. At the coming and going of the tides. At the resonating power of both the sunset and sunrise. I told her that it was the only place I would go when I felt I was totally lost.

I willed myself and took her hand. I held on tightly.

"Siti, I am sorry."

She burst into tears. She took my frail body in her arms and hugged me tightly. All the time sobbing. The first after a long time, I felt peaceful happiness
..........................................


-lamun- to be continued later ^^

When You Forget Yourself -Part 2-

A new vision. The distinct features. I recognise it. It was the past. I remembered. The time when I was once myself. A time of great joy, promise, enthusiasm, innovation, self-motivation. It was the time of school, I was 16. Moving about classes, cheering among friends, laughing our hearts out over petty things, pulling dumb pranks, gossiping about the girl next door. The memories flooded me. It brought me to a time when I felt it. I felt emotion. Not the lifelessness before my death.

The scenes shifted quickly. I remembered the brief moments of the scene. The particular emotion I felt during that time. The time my parents cheered me during a soccer tournament, the time when I fractured my right arm. Then it came. An explosion. The time which I would most cherish. The first time I saw her. I knew it was her. It was total insanity on my part. An impossible hope filled me. An impossibility that many would never have dreamed. We were incompatible, many said that way. Tall, slender, strict in nature, but above all that, I saw that she was the one. Call it fate, call it coincidence, but she was the one.

Time passed. I chased, she answered. I loved and was loved in return. An impossible reality. Nevertheless, I remembered. It was not easy. It was also a time of turmoil and change. A time when I was no longer sure of myself. A time when you always hoped for something that was seemingly unattainable. But yet, I was still me. I was filled with humour, joy, piety and devotion.

Time passed again. More quickly. I graduated, worked, started a business, then married that very girl. My whole life seemed complete. I had 4 children. 2 girls and 2 boys. Lovely children they were. My life was seemingly perfect.

Then, it started. My company was starting to climb. For me, it reached the very summit of victory and success. I bacame engrossed. Engrossed with my career. My work. I was rarely home. I rarely met my family. I was always busy. There was always something else to do. Family became a second, third, fourth, then it totally escaped the priority list. One day, feeling the extreme pressure from work, I decided to head home early.

Home. My home was empty. My steps echoed in the house. Everything seemed fine. But, it was empty. Lonely. I saw a letter. I opened it. From my wife.
"You have lost yourself in things that have carried you away from your life. You have forgotten the very things that are actually important to you. You have lost the very you. When you can recognise the person staring at you from the mirror again, you will know where to find me".

I was awestruck. It seemed without logic. Why would she do such a thing. Then, I thought she would come back on her own. I continued with work. Lived as I have lived. Then, it seems that I have forgotten about her. Forgotten. It went on. The loneliness enshrouded me. I needed something. A feeling that I have not felt for a long time. Happiness. I turned to drugs. I knew the cost. I knew what it could do to me. I thought I could control it. But I couldn't. I fell. To drugs.

The vision blurred. My very being seemed to have extinguished. I felt emptiness. A feeling that no pen can write nor word describe. I seemed lost. Then I thought, "When was the last time I have been myself?" Then the realisation came.
"I have forgotten myself."

The realisation hit me like a nuclear bomb. My whole being ached to the core. I felt myself wavering. Was this really the end? Was this my retribution for the things I have done in this earthly life? My vision faded. Then, I felt, nothing.


-Lamun-

When You Forget Yourself

I looked at my hands. The pale palms gazing back at me. The rough and cracked surfaces reminding me of what I am now. I glanced up at the starlit sky. Felt the chill of the sea breeze. The rhythemic waves of the sea refreshed me. I walked, walked across the beach. The damp grains of sand embedded between my toes. I walked to the dryer patches of sand. Plunged my hand into the sand, taking a handful of it. I let the grains slip between my fingers. I saw the grains fall, falling back to where it belong. No matter where you take the sand, it will return to the earth, a reality that cannot be shaken. Another chill. I clung to what was left of my body. I felt a pain. My body was longing for it again. Longing for that sensation. A sensastion that would come and pass. I needed to fight it. Fight it...

Tears well my eyes. What have I become? What have I done to myself? I went to the sea, looked at the water. Tears falling. Salt with salt. I watched, watched the reflection. My whole being was filled wth horror. I took a step back, another, another, I ran. Ran, then i fell. I turned my body, looked at the sky. I could not stop my body from shivering. It wasn't the cold. Wasn't the pain of falling. It was the pain of th heart. The pain of remorse and regret. I could not recognise the shape in the water. I remembered. Remembered a proverb, 'When you can no longer recognise the person looking back at you in the mirror, it is time for you to step back and think when was the last time you have been yourself'.

I remembered. Was this my life? Was this the way that I was meant to be? I sat up. Looked at the sea. When was the last time I have been myself? A pang of pain. Distant, it came again, harder. My head was on fire. I wanted to scream, but my lungs could no longer hold the breath. A small croak was all that escaped. The world was spinning. My limbs no longer supporting me. I fell again to the sand. I felt the need. I felt the lust, the passion, the addiction. I need to fight it. Fight it! I no longer wanted it. Tears well my eyes once more. Is this the end? I could no longer feel my limbs. My body seems to have stopped shivering. I felt light. I felt my consciousness beinged tugged. Is this death? Oh God, forgive this wretched creation of thine. Oh God, assist him. All seemed white. It seemed to have ended.

I awoke. I looked around. Everything was a blur. A blur, unfocused. I tried to shake my head. I saw my vision change But i could not feel my head. I tried to lift my hands. Was it hands? I could not see myself. I tried to walk. I moved, yes I moved. But, I felt nothing. Nothing! Was this death? Was this the world that death promised? It is a very painful promise. My vision seemed to clear. It cleared! Making out the the vision that slowly materialising, I noticed, to my horror. A horror that I could never have wanted to see again. A horror that I have turned away for the last year and a half. I saw myself. Myself! My whole self! What I was a mere 2 years ago. So full of life. So full of promise. I was distressed. Then the vision faded, fade, shifted and materialised again. I saw something else.


-to be contined. hopefully in the near future ^^ 'Lamun'-

where are you?

i walk and keep on walking. where are you now? i am so alone. i am so afraid. you know that i am afraid of this dark and silent environment. you know that you are my light. but somehow i just cant find you now. where are you?

my steps become faster. i am now running. terrified. i am shivering. this place is cold and empty. you said you will be here. but you are no where to be seen or found. not even a shadow of yours. are you living me here? alone? all alone?

my steps become slower. i am tired. but i have to find you. i need you. you are my life. without you i will die. you are the air that i breath without you i will be suffocating and slowly die. i force each step of mine to search for you. but still... you are not here.

i can't go any further. my steps have stop. it wont move. i collapsed. my eyes are now running with tears. drop by drop. have i told you without you i will die? slowly my breath gets harder. i am dying, in this cold dark place alone. i close my eyes... reach out my hand... take a deep last breath and whispered

where are you?

Saat kau pejamkan matamu

"abang, ayu ada salah. tapi..."

"ah, apa tapi-tapi?! awak tu memang ada aja alasan nak bagi." tempik diriku suatu ketika dulu. tidak pernah aku berinya kesempatan untuk menjelaskan sesuatu. tidak pernah ku layan dirinya sebaik-baiknya. aku jadikannya bahan ku lepaskan amarahku. tempat aku baling dan buang segalanya. walaupun tidak pernah ku sentuh dirinya, tapi kata-kataku sudah cukup mengguriskan hatinya. tetapi wanita itu tidak pernah sedikit pun membalas perlakuanku. ada aja cara nya untuk menambat hatiku. dia lah wanita sebaik-baik manusia. yang cukup faham dan sabar dengan ego dan baranku.

kini wanita ini lemah terbaring, berlumuran darah di hadapanku. perasaan bersalah menyelubungi diri. dosa ku pada dirinya begitu besar. sebelum ini, tidak pernah ku hargai dirinya. tidak pernah ku meluahkan kasih sayangku padanya. meskipun dia tahu, dan aku tahu. namun, aku sepatutnya melakukan lebih dari itu. aku tidak pernah peduli untuk menambat hatinya. aku tahu dia tidak akan kemana. aku cukup kenal dengan diri nya. aku tahu dia akan setia. biar apa pun yang aku lakukan, diri nya masih lagi setia dan menyayangi ku sepenuh hatinya.

aku cintakan dirinya. seperti mana dia cintai diriku. namun tidak pernah ku ucap walau aku tahu dia begitu mengharapkan ucapan itu. bagiku, cukuplah sekadar dia tahu aku cintakan dirinya. madah itu tidak perlu diucap. itulah ego aku. ego lelaki. untuk meminta maaf jauh sekali aku lakukan. biarpun segala pergaduhan berpunca dariku, akan ku pantulkan kepadanya. tidak pernah aku mengaku kalah. apa aku peduli perasaan nya ketika itu. semuanya aku. entah apa lagi yang aku telah aku lakukan. aku mengucap. terasa bergenang air mataku. perlahan dia menggegam tanganku. satu senyuman diukirkan. aku sedih kerana masih banyak lagi perkara ingin aku sampaikan kepadanya. ingin aku ulang semula masa-masa lalu. ingin aku hargai dirinya. ingin aku ubah sikapku. ingin aku menjadi seorang suami yang membahagiakannya.

"perlu ke ucap hari-hari?"

"perlulah. macam mana kalau esok-esok ayu dah tak bangun lagi. kan nyesal tak ucap."

"jadi ayu kena la bangun esok esok dan seterusnya sampai abang ucap."

"susah sgt ke nak ucap 'I LOVE YOU'? ishk, dia ni. degil tau. tak apalah. janji ayu hari-hari ucap. 'I LOVE YOU' sayang. if someday ayu mati, sekurang-kurang nya abang tahu yang ayu hari-hari sayang abang."

air mata aku semakin laju. entah kenapa memori datang silih berganti. perasaan bersalah menyelubungi diriku.

"maafkan abang ayu. maafkan abang. abang sayang ayu. tolong jangan pergi. please, keep hold it on. you are strong." aku genggam tangannya. keadaannya kritikal. aku sendiri tidak menyangka kemalangan ini akan terjadi. aku jadi tak keruan. aku lihat pergerakan dadanya semakin berombak. "ayu please dont leave me." aku merayu. tidak pernah aku merayu sebegini. tiba nya di hadapan emergency room. aku terpaksa melepaskannya pergi sendiri. sempat aku ucapkan madah yang ayu nantikan selama ini dariku. "Ayu, I love you. please wake up." dan perlahan genggaman kami terlerai. aku terduduk di situ. menangis teresak-esak.

........................................................................................

aku tatapi gambarnya. pelbagai memori bermain di pikiranku. setiap memori lama sukda duka sering sahaja bermain-main di kotak fikiranku. aku sentuh gambarnya. rindu menusuk kalbu. aku tersenyum mengingati dirinya. perlahan lahan aku lafazkan

"I love you so much, ayu."

"I love you too." terdengar madahku dibalas. aku menoleh. perlahan lahan dia mendekatiku. "Rindu ke?" sindir nya. Aku tersenyum lalu memeluknya erat. Aku bersyukur kerana masih lagi berpeluang bersamanya. masih lagi berpeluang menunjukkan betapa besar cintaku pada dirinya. masih lagi berpeluang menebus kesilapanku. aku tahu ini sesuatu peluang yang amat sukar didapati. kami berdua melabuhkan diri di atas tilam empuk. dia membetulkan kedudukannya. aku masih lagi memeluknya erat.

"Tidur jom?" ajaknya sambil tersenyum.

"Tidurlah dulu. Abang nak tengok ayu tidur."

"Ada-ada aja." Dia tergelak kecil.

"I love you." satu kucupan aku hadiahkan. dia kelihatan tersipu-sipu.

"Love you too." dia memeluk tanganku dan memejamkan matanya. aku ingin menghargai dirinya. aku tidak ingin menyesal andai kata aku kehilangan dirinya satu masa nanti. aku ingin dia tahu aku cinta akan dirinya setiap hari dan saat. aku ingin dia rasa cintaku setiap masa. dan cinta itu harus ditunjuk dan diucap.

aku ingin kau tahu aku cintakan dirimu di saat kau pejamkan matamu...